SIX PATHETIC THROWS

WILL:  52 MPH, 54 MPH, 53 MPH JON:     42 MPH, 31 MPH, 45 MPH

1/2 of 1 Javadskill

NARRATIVE: BY CHAMPION, WILL I stood up to throw. I was up first. I reared back, in great style and form, and let it rip. The announcer yelled out 52 MPH. I thought, well, now my arm is warmed up. LET IT RIP. "54 MPH". Now I'm like, what the fuck, this is embarrasing. For those who don't know, a pretty decent little league pitcher throws between 50-55 MPH, a decent high school pitcher throws between 70-75 and a decent pro throws in the upper 80s..

ABOVE: Jon, Working Diligently on His Animal Law Paper

The Set-Up Jon finally paid his debt to Animal Law and finished his mighty discourse on the viability of a mass tort action against the Dairy Industry. For those of you who missed this paper, fear not because the Movie Version is set for release on August 26th. I'm sure this will be an adequate substitute. The Time lag was not good on our athletes. When a human perfects excellence and become a well-oiled competition machine, delays and breaks are likely to throw the whole system into shambles. Only this phenomena, or some other error, perhaps a momentary break the metaphysical distance between time and space, can explain this competition. Jon and Will faced off at a San Francisco Giants Game "Test Your Throwing Speed Game." The set-up was simple. Each man gets three throws. The highest speed takes the trophy.

So I toss the third one and the announcer yells 53. Some guy walking by yelled at me, "You can't throw a baseball".

I must defend myself here. While, yes, apparently I throw a baseball as fast as a moderately athletic 13 year old, I do so with good style and form. And, I might note, 2 of my 3 pitches were strikes. Jon stepped up. He looked confident. He was ready to finally get back on the horse and start winning. But he was wrong. His first ball registered at 42 MPH. At that point, the crowd, except for a few young boys, completely dispersed, uninterested. This was not the excitement filled dramas usually receiving the endorsement of "Contest Summer". Jon made a decision. He would have his reckoning. He contorted his body into a strange position he likes to call his "wind-up" and tossed with all his might. "31 MPH". The last young boy who remained walked away, disillusioned with his hero. He took off his Suh jersey. Sadly, however, I don't believe he'll be replacing it with one of mine. As he walked away, it is rumored that he muttered, "I can ride my bike that fast!" This story is frankly too hard to tell, so I will regale you wilth no more. But stand fast. Our athletes are going back into training, and strive on to fight another day.

BELOW: Pac-Bell Park, home of the Giants and site of Worst Contest Ever

QUOTES: Will: "If I ever say that I'm going to a company softball game, someone please remind me of this competition." Jon: "Those Suh jerseys retail for $39.95 at only the finest apparel stores.  Get them while they're still in stock."

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